This parody was written for one of our team members at work when she left the company leaving behind some ongoing projects. It contains references to projects and vendors specific to our job, so some things may not make sense.

(To the tune of “99 Problems” by Jay-Z)


If you’re having time problems I feel bad for you son;
I got 99 problems, but K2 ain’t one.

I got…the QC control on the mouse patrol--
Those that wanna make sure the defect’s closed.
Testers cryin’ out that the software blows.
I’m IT stupid what type of facts are those?

If you grew up with mainframe cards and holes
You’d celebrate a keyboard to write your code.
(I’m like) KIAC is a dino that needs to go!
If you don’t like Linux then go back below.

Got beef with the specs ‘cuz they don’t show.
They don’t keep on time, but expect us to…so
...managers try to cover things fast,
So others have more fingers to point things at…****ers

I don't know what you take me as--
Or understand the intelligence that Den-Mom has.
I'm from…medi to TIBCO man I ain't dumb!
I got 99 problems but K2 ain't one.

Hit me!

99 problems but K2 ain't one.

If you’re having time problems I feel bad for you son;
I got 99 problems but K2 ain't one.

Hit me!

The year is fourteen and I’m ready to thaw.
In my rear-view mirror is another conference call.
I got two choices y’all, hang up the phone or…
Bounce on the mute and try not to roar.

…Now I ain’t one to have a dance around with hate.
Plus I’d rather step in and try to me-di-ate.
So I…take a deep breath and get myself right;
I heard, “Ma’am do you know why we do to you so?”

‘Cause I’m strong and I’m smart and I am a pro.
Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don't know?
Am I cut out or should I know some mo’?
“Well you took the buyout; that’s all what’s for”

(Uh-huh)

“Badge here to me before you get really far.”
“Are you holding a PIN ‘cuz I know a lot of you are.”
I ain’t flinching at all as my life is legit.
“Well do you mind if I troll around the call for a bit?”

Well my life is transparent and lots of guys have my back.
And guys not a gender but my friends on attack.
“Well…aren't you as sharp as a tack.”
“You some type of lawyer or sumthin’ somebody important or some type?"

N’ah I ain't passed the bar but I know a little bit.
Enough to know that I could’ve sidelined that hit.
"Well we’ll see how smart you are when the changes come."
I got 99 problems but K2 ain't one.

Hit me!

99 problems but K2 ain't one.

If you’re having time problems I feel bad for you son;
I got 99 problems but K2 ain't one.

Hit me!

99 problems but K2 ain't one.

If you’re having time problems I feel bad for you son;
I got 99 problems but K2 ain't one.

Hit me!

Now once upon a time, several years ago
A PM like myself had some meetings to go.
This is not a meeting that’s soft and cushy,
But a meeting with no sense where somebody put me.

I try to talk right, put sense to the board.
Timetables shrinking and then there’s some mo’.
Note the issues and go on a hike
But figured out soon that wouldn’t be a’right.

So now what’s goin’ to happen is
I'm-a get to talkin’ and
He and his boys gonna be yapping to the Captain.
And there I go, feeling sorry once again.

Back through the meetings with the “team” again.
SMAs repeating, scratching again.
Managers with their sway, snapping ‘em.
Directors try to give a girl strength within.

Payin’ other’s bail ‘cuz I’m feminine.
All because KIAC was harassing them.
Trying to play like we’re killing ‘em.
But ain’t nothing sweeter about how ITIH holds me dear.
I got 99 problems, but K2 ain't one

Hit me!

99 problems but K2 ain’t one

If you’re having time problems I feel bad for you son;
I got 99 problems but K2 ain't one.

Hit me!

99 problems but K2 ain’t one

If you’re having time problems I feel bad for you son;
I got 99 problems but K2 ain't one.

Hit me!

(Whoo)
(Whoo)

If you’re having time problems I feel bad for you son;
I got 99 problems but K2 ain't one.

You crazy for this one Beth.
It’s your boy!